I am one of the worst planner there is in terms of being really, really good at it. I can plan things way in advance, and actually like it that way. The problem is that it doesn’t fit our life style at all, not a bit actually. I was feeling that I had gotten pretty good at living from day to day, living in the moment – until I met this mom. She told me her story about loosing her husband, now being a single mother of 3 kids all under the age of 4. He died one night in his sleep without no warning. It was hard, it was devastating for her, but she had to find a way to live with it. She had to get up every morning, and care for her two kids and the third one on it’s way. And it hit me! I am not living in the moment. As she told her story, I realized that way too often I have in the back of my mind a hanging thought of what is going to happen to Jacob next. When is he going to get sick next? How long do I have still have with him? And it made me really ashamed as I talked to this mom telling me that no one can prepare for death independently if it happens expected or as a complete surprise from the sky. I knew deep in my heart how right she is.
As we were walking back home, the sun was a little bit brighter, I could see that nature is getting ready for spring, I could see that Jacob had a good day, I could see that I have a wonderful daughter biking way too fast down the road, and a husband next to me every day. Life is a journey. I know I will fall into the trap again, wondering about our uncertain future, but I will also do my absolute best at being better at simply living in the moment.
At the same time, we did book our trip to Breckenridge in June when school is out. I did sign Jacob up at Bal Swan for the fall again. I did say yes to a camping trip with Sarah’s girl scout troop end of summer. Little steps towards our future – hopefully all four together.