BARGAINING with GOD

I wrote this the other night, but didn’t have time to post. I think it is sort of timely considering that the whole family including Jacob’s nurse is sick. Sarah has strep throat, Jacob doesn’t (!), but has cold symptoms and had a 30 minutes seizure this afternoon that we had to treat with Keppra and Ativan before it stopped. Jacob is now monitored in the ER to see if we’ll stay or will go home…

I had a great night out with a dear friend last week, we were having cheese and wine for dinner and ate way too much. We rounded up the evening with chocolate fondue with strawberries, biscottis and pieces of angle cake.

Our conversations always go from the small to the big topics, and everything in between. She asked me this evening, if I had ever bargained with God. My initial answer was no, but then I had to think twice.

I had to think back on the evening when I bargained with God about Jacob’s life. Early on in Jacob’s pregnancy, I was told that he probably wouldn’t survive. His heartbeat was hard to find, and he was way too small. I was told on a Wednesday that I would most likely miscarry within four days.

They were four very long days…and I was just about to leave town to visit a client. Not any client, one of our biggest clients who we were just about to loose. The client I had to “save”. My boss wasn’t so sure I should go under the circumstances, but I was convinced it was better to go than sit around for 4 days…waiting for the inevitable.

I remember sitting on the airplane thinking it was a really bad idea to go into a very important client meeting, knowing that I could miscarry any time – even during the meeting. I guess that thought hadn’t really struck me until I was on the plane…

The meeting went well. We saved the client. The impossible was possible. In fact, the client is still with us 6 years later.

As I landed in Denver, late at night, and finally got in to the car to drive back home. I realized - I had not miscarried, I was still pregnant. Andrea Bocelli was accompanying me in the dark warm summer night. And right there, I did bargain with God. I told him that if he only let me keep this baby, I would love this baby no matter what. No matter what challenges we would encounter, no matter what sorrows we would endure, no matter what would come our way, I would love this baby unconditionally. It was a magic moment because I somehow had a very strong feeling that Jacob would stay with me.

After the 4 days wait, the doctor confirmed that the fetus looked great, and I should start to enjoy my pregnancy!

The car ride back from Denver airport has come back to me from time to time during my journey with Jacob. I realize that I asked to keep my baby no matter what. I had no idea what I truly asked for, but no one could be more thankful than me to have Jacob in my life. My little son who has impacted my life more than anyone else. A person I love unconditionally.

People might say that it’s wrong to bargain with God. If you only do this for me, I do this for you. Shouldn’t we just accept our lives? I don’t know. The only thing I know is there I am forever thankful that I have Jacob in my life, and my promise that summer night will forever stay.

Love, Maria.