My Jacob,
How can it be that we have lived 364 days without you on
this Father’s Day? Father’s Day will always be the day we lost you, no matter
what the date is. We lost you on the day that celebrates your very special Dad.
My eyes have filled with tears multiple times this week even just thinking
about Father’s Day. This is the day when dads go fishing and families meet up for BBQs, but we lost you on
Father’s Day. How cruel is that? Your dad had to return the Gift of you on
Father’s Day. It’s painful to live every day without you, but I am right now
reliving every hour of your last days of life.
This time last year, I knew there was no way back. I knew I
would lose you. The breathing tube in the ICU kept you alive. I had my last
night with you. I can still remember me tracing every line in your face,
squeezing your hand, holding your foot in my palm, and trying to print every
little detail about you in my brain. To keep you alive, to always remember every little detail about you.
On Father’s Day last day, there were no gifts or BBQ. There was a
hospital room filled of enormous love and sadness. The pain and sadness that
comes by losing someone you love more than life itself. When you cry until
there are no more tears to cry. When your grief takes over all your physical
and mental strength. When your body is aching for sleep, but there is no rest
to be found. When the people who love you the most are clinging to each other
to breathe, to eat, and to sleep. I can to this day remember your empty
wheelchair screaming at us as we were walking out of Children’s Hospital
without you. The emptiness, the uncertainty and the raw pain. That was Father's Day last year.
Sarah and I will celebrate your Dad tomorrow because we know
he will always be your Dad. On
Father’s Day last year, I thanked him for being the best dad for you, Jacob,
and that I could never have done the last ten years without him. There was
something in that exchange last year that was stronger than wedding wows. There
was a commitment that we would enter the future without you together as we had
done everything for you together for the last ten years.
Jacob, please send your dad a few signs tomorrow. We will
all need them.
Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back always,
mom.
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