Wednesday, August 9, 2017


Dear Jacob,

Life has been a whirlwind over here. I have been traveling a lot, and been to new places in the world I never knew if I would see for sure. It’s a little bittersweet, since I wouldn’t be able to travel this way if you were still in my life. Know that I always carry you in my heart wherever I wake up in the morning. You are never far from my mind. I see you in the sun rise and in the sun set. I see the little signs you give me of butterflies and rainbows wherever I happen to be.

A little message to the Buddhist Gods in Tokyo.

Your sister is enjoying her summer break. She is not interested in it coming to an end. We got to spend a few days together all of us in the mountains recently. We brought her dog, and it’s amazing to see the special bond the two of them have. You would have loved her little dog, and he sure has a little of your strong minded personality we so need in our family.

I got to go to the pool a week ago, which is something I haven’t done much this summer. I really missed you there. That was the one place we always took you in the summer. It was your happy place, and something we could do as a family. I missed the weight of carrying you in to the pool, and taking a little break on the steps so I could rest my arms and you could get used to the water temperature against your legs. I missed seeing your happy face and you vocalizing on your floatie. I missed getting you ready in the shade after your swim, and holding your hand when you were resting on the sun chair. I do miss you so much.

And in the middle of missing you as only a parent can do, I try to find a new normal. I search for moments of happiness without you in it. It’s different, and it isn’t always easy, but that we both already knew about life. There is emptiness where you should be. But by now I have learned to wake up each morning, and my first thought is not to check on you to make sure you’re ok. I have learned that our home doesn’t have the same sounds and smells as when you were in it. I have learned that the rhythm of my day is quite different now. I have learned to not live by your daily schedule. I have learned that the sound of an ambulance doesn’t mean another emergency for you, even if sirens still bother me. I have learned firsthand that change is the only constant in my life. I try to hang on to those special moments in life that often are so simple, the moments that make up a happy life. That is the one gift of life I will always associate with you.

Some happy moments from this summer:

Sarah on the Mexican beach.

Celebrating your 1st anniversary with friends and balloons.

Run along the river Spree in Berlin.

Sarah off to Kentucky for her first out of State summer camp.

Lisbon with a very dear friend.

Completing another Courage Classic supporting the Mitochondrial Clinic at Children's.


Greetings from Tokyo!

Sweet Jacob,

I love you to the moon and back,


No comments:

Post a Comment