Tuesday, September 26, 2017


Sweet Jacob,

Everything got so silent after you passed away. Our house was full of sounds when you were in it. You surrounded yourself with people, the noise of the oxygen tank, the beeping of your feeding pump, the sound of the suction machine. It was never truly silent in our home until the day you were not with us any longer.

When you and your sister were cuddling and hanging out together, there was really no need or room for anyone else. You had your special bond, and you loved when she was with you. You were so happy when Sarah visited you in the hospital. You immediately felt better. You even put up with your sister wanting to watch the Kardashians as long as she did it with you.

Sarah has had to figure out a lot this past year and a half. She has had to figure out how to live without you, her one and only brother. She has had to figure out how to be an only child. She has had to figure out how to live in this world with more knowledge of life than most fifteen years old.

Sarah has done it with grace. I am not saying it was easy. In fact, it was everything but easy. It hurt so much Sarah couldn't always be thinking of you or even mention your name. It was too close to her heart. Her grief had to come little by little.

It hurt me to see her pain. As a mom, I wanted to fix it, fix her, but I knew I had to be patient. I knew I had to simply be there for her. Do it on her terms.

The one thing I have been doing is to keep talking about you. I tell stories about you. I make sure to mention your name often. I make sure our good memories are remembered. I talk about the times we spent in the hospital. I take her and your dad to your bench, and sit and reflect on you, on life. Sarah sometimes smiles at the memories, sometimes she is simply not in the mood to talk. I tell Sarah when I miss you.

A few weeks ago, Sarah started saying your name again. It was like the most natural thing in the world for her. She was telling her friend a story about you. I am not sure what the story was about any longer, but I do remember how my heart filled with this overwhelming feeling of love. Later the same weekend, Sarah started asking some questions about your medical conditions. We talked about it. It was a short conversation, but it was our first mutual conversation about you.

It might not sound like a lot, but there is so much power in hearing and saying your name. I am so happy I kept talking about you. I sometimes felt like a broken record, but I know now, it was the right thing to do.

And Jacob, do know that you're always in our hearts, calling your name or not.

Sweet Jacob,

I love you to the moon and back,


1 comment:

  1. There certainly is a Jacob shaped hole in this world. We mourn the loss of dear warriors.