Sunday, November 19, 2017


Sweet Jacob,
It has been a long time, since I wrote you. Life has been busy, and work has taken me around Europe once again. As hectic as those trips typically are, you usually found me somewhere in the world. After ten years of not traveling due to not being able to leave you, I can now take you with me anywhere I go. 
I got to spend the weekend in Berlin with your aunt Jenny. It was a weekend that warms my heart. We got to spend time together from morning to late into the night as we explored one of our favorite cities in Europe. We ventured into beautiful Berliner Dom, and we lit a little candle for you. I love to do that as I visit old churches. It gives me peace and a moment to reflect on you.

This time of the year we almost always were at Children’s. I can’t even separate the different years any longer. Were we at Children’s before, during, or after Thanksgiving? It was the toughest season for you. Your last years of life you were hit with bad flare ups of ulcerative colitis that made you so very sick. A memory popped up on my Facebook feed from one of those years you were in the PICU today. You had a big band aid on your neck, and the photo took me right back. The band aid tells me that you were very sick, since they had drawn blood from somewhere else than your medi-port. I never ever liked when they had to go for your neck or head. What lit up the picture was your sister next to you. You two had a very special bond. I had to step away when Sarah was around you because you two didn’t need anyone else – just each other. It makes me tear up just thinking about your special relationship. Sad because it only lasted ten years, happy because it was an incredible sibling love for all your life. 

I read something about grief in a magazine on the plane today. If you ever have lost someone close, you will never put your grief completely behind you. But as time goes by slowly signs of life start to make its’ way back again. It doesn’t happen all at once, but look for those signs, and allow them to enter your life again. 
Going into another holiday season without you, it does feel a little easier this year than last. As much as I know how loaded holidays can be with mixed feelings and missing my “old” life with you, I am looking forward to preparing and celebrating Thanksgiving with dear friends. We now have our tradition that we make “Jacob ornaments” before sitting down for dinner. Crafting was something you loved so much. 
Your sister can’t wait for me to come home, so we can start decorating the house for Christmas, and enjoying our holidays together. As I got off the plane in Newark this afternoon, I had a text that she had started listening to Christmas music. She is becoming my little mini me when it comes to the holidays. Your dad will turn into a very loveable Grinch! 
Jacob, I love you to the moon and back always. 
Please, come and find me this holiday season.

Love, mom.

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