Sunday, December 17, 2017


Dear Jacob,

Christmas is around the corner. It's exactly a week away. The two last weekends have been busy with Christmas parties, A Christmas Carol, Christmas music, baking and gifting. Our house is filled with decorations including your room. Your little tree with your wooden ornaments is up as it has been for as long as I can remember. I love to take Max for walks at nights with all the Christmas lights in the neighborhood. The last weeks have been filled with the things I love about the holidays.

Making Jacob ornaments

Celebrating Advent.

Sarah making a Gingerbread house.

A Christmas Carol

Swedish Lucia

Saffron buns

Homemade gingerbread cookies

Your stocking is up.

Christmas party at Children's

In the middle of celebrating Christmas, I have a void. I don't know any other way to put it. The longing for you is suddenly so much larger and deeper than a regular day or week throughout the year. There are memories of you everywhere. You were part of everything Christmas. It's the time of year we slowed down a little, and made precious memories together. We often were reminded about your fragility. You often came home in time for Christmas from long and frequent hospital stays.We knew what it meant to be thankful, and not take things for granted. How I sometimes miss how difficult and at the same time extremely simple life was with you. I simply miss you.

Yesterday morning I woke up, and I felt rested. It doesn't happen often with a job that gets me up hours before the sun rises. I grabbed my coffee, and ended up on your couch. I really love your room, and I am so happy we have kept it a place for us to remember you. I just took in everything, and let me sit in your memories. I so know that it was your time to go, but it still makes me so sad that we didn't have more time together. I sat in my grief, and suddenly your room was filled with laughter and chatting. Your dad, your sister, and our dog Max all joined me. I had this vision that you were actually sitting right there with us, enjoying our silly conversations and watching our dog  always wanting to lay on your couch. It's his favorite place in the whole house.

Today as I was driving in the car, a thought flashed through my mind. I need me some Jacob love. I see how I gravitate towards people who loved and love you right now. I surround myself with friends who truly got you, who saw you for who you were. I need them because they got you, they get me. As much as I miss you, I do know I am sincerely lucky to be surrounded with Jacob love. It's a powerful force. In fact, one force that keeps me going each and every day.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back,


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