Saturday, September 1, 2018


Dear Jacob,
It has been more than two months since I wrote you last. This must have been one of the longest stretches without writing. I thought I would write during vacation, but I decided to just live in the moment and enjoy family and all the fun things we did.

First time at Louvre for all of us. 

I think of you all the time, Jacob. And I now know what you taught me more than anything, being fearless. I am not afraid. We all shy away from difficult conversations or being afraid to take that next step. When you have had the worst thing happen to you, you can just not be afraid anymore. It's exhausting to be fearless at times, but it's also comes with a sense of freedom. A sense of clarity and staying true to yourself at the same time as you know you have had to pay a very high price for this wisdom of life.

Me out at sea somewhere between Finland and Sweden

Jacob, I always thought I would be part of a big family. I loved being surrounded by generations of relatives on both my parents' sides for holidays, birthdays, and family reunions. The more the merrier. My grandparents' apartment always had room for another kid or relative. I receive energy from other people. That is how I keep going.

Family in Kivik

And now we're three musketeers. We had to become this close to survive without you. We're all drawn to each other to make sense of the big hole you left behind. I am not sure who started the group text, but we're always sending each other little things. Nothing special, nothing major, but always staying connected. I love that little life line. Knowing we're in it together.

I know I am a lucky mama that my girl wants to spend time with me. Believe me, I can drive her nuts. We fight. We argue. But we're close. We're really close. We love hanging out together. We love spending time together. We both know when we have the best of times together, and you're never far from our minds.

Coffee break in Paris

This summer, we did have the best of times. Work takes me all over the world. This summer, I got to take your dad and sister with me. We spent almost two weeks in Sweden. It was true vacation. I felt so spoiled by genuine family love. I didn't realize until deep into the Swedish summer nights how important it was to talk to family and friends about you. Last time I visited your dad's hometown was when I was pregnant with you, thirteen whole years ago. Many of our relatives we have not seen since you passed away. Many relatives have never met you. Family needed to see we are fine. I have so many memories I will bring into the fall and winter months from this summer.

Joakim's family on Hanö

Joakim's family in Höganäs

Coffee break with aunt Jenny and Rickard

I loved to watch Sarah interact with her family on both of our sides. I loved to watch her being a world traveler. I loved her falling in love with Sweden and Paris. Berlin wasn't too shabby either. I loved to show her the world, and make memories we will keep with us forever. I love to watch Sarah interact with different cultures, food, and more than anything friends and family. We had so much fun.

Stockholm archipelago

At sea with grandpa

Having fun on the island Sandhamn

Sarah and her auntie Jenny

Dinner in Berlin

Berlin wall

On the island Sandhamn

Jacob, the price is high. We could never have done this with you. We would go back to be the family of four we were intended to be in a heart beat, but we can't. We don't have that luxury. But we can live. We can do the things we want to do. And I do want to show your sis the world.

A heart in the Stockholm sky. I thought of you, my boy.

And from the dream of a big family, I cherish and silently appreciate being part of my musketeers.

Stockholm archipelago

Sweet loving Jacob,

I love you to the moon and back,


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