Friday, March 31, 2017


Sweet Jacob,

This week, I found myself on spring break. We went to a familiar place. We went to our condo in Breckenridge for some spring skiing, relaxation, and time away. It was the first time in a very long time that we all stayed up in the mountains for the whole week. As late as last year, Joakim and I took turns skiing with Sarah and staying with you in the hospital. It was the hospital stay we discovered your medi-port wasn't working any longer, and I struggled with the decision of surgery. I remember scheduling your medi-port surgery with all departments involved in between hitting the slopes.

Spring break is bringing back lots of memories of you. It's a specific week of the year where I can easily find memories of us together. In the last couple of years, you were not able to come with us to the mountains. You struggled with breathing on high altitude, which led to seizures. We have more than once raced down the mountains straight to Children's ER due to seizures. But we figured out spring break as a family. We took turns vacationing with Sarah, and hanging out with you at home.

In the last couple of years, spring break always meant you came down with something. It was never just a little cold. It meant spending spring break at Children's. Many times in the ICU. It often made me a little sad that we were spending your school break at Children's while it felt as if the world was vacationing. Ironically, I have been sick this spring break. It was just a cold, but it got the best of me. It got me to think of all the times you were so very sick, and how hard you fought every single time. That sure put this nasty cold in perspective.

As I was sitting next to the pool side yesterday scanning the pool and realizing it was completely packed of children, I realized you would never have been able to enjoy the pool right now. It would have been too much splashing and too little space for you and your swim float, I looked up at the sun, and could feel tears coming down my cheeks behind my black sunglasses. You just never know what, why, and when grief will catch you. It's always unpredictable.

Us in that pool in October 2015.

I know you want me to find happiness, Jacob. I know you do. And I have found it this week hanging with your sister and dad. It has been really good to relax, ski, have happy hours, and simply be. It's still amazes me how easy we can travel as a trio. It's still so new to all of us.

Sarah and I took a break from skiing, and went to watch the new movie Beauty and the Beast. It's a beautiful version of the classic Disney movie we watched so many times together. It was one of your sister's absolute favorite movies growing up. Remember all the times we cuddled up on the couch watching Disney movies together? When Sarah wasn't watching Disney, she was playing princess. She put on one of her endless princess dresses and her plastic glass slippers that were impossible to walk in. I reminded Sarah as we were walking out of the movie theater on Sunday what she told me one time: "Mom, you're step mom, Dad is the Beast, Jacob is the Prince, and I am the Princess". Sarah smiled when I reminded her of her own little fairy tale family.

Sarah dropped her glass slippers, smart girl!

Look what we found in the movie theatre in Breck?

It got me to think about our little family. We didn't live a fairy tale, but we sure had a good run together. A really good one. We got really good at living our lives together. It still pains me so very much that we no longer is a family of four, and we miss you so much, Prince Jacob, every single day.

Lots of kisses to you, my Prince.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back,

your mom.

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