GETTING ON THAT BIKE AGAIN

Sweet Jacob,

Spring is here! It's light in the morning. It's light at night. The trees are blossom. The air is warm. This was your season to start getting out of the house again after a long winter. Sometimes my mind is wondering how it would be to have another spring with you. We would get the rainbow therapy mat out on the lawn under the cherry tree, and simply hang out together. The simplest things were the best of moments. Just you and me. What I would do to have you in my life again, even for just a brief moment.

There are moments when I feel as I don't have an outer skin. What people say and do hit my heart directly. In those moments, there is no protection, and I can only seek out kindness. Other times, I have slowly learned how to live in this world without you. I have even learned how to find moments of happiness again. We are slowly finding a day to day routine again, but the unpredictability of grief is always there. 

With spring comes biking. I never knew what would happen after you would leave me. Would I still be part of the Mito community? Would the cause feel as important without you in it? Would I have the energy to continue the fight? I just didn't know. Now, I know. There are some things that simply define you, and that carries the beautiful legacy of you. There are so many parts and people of your life that are simply not here anymore, but my bike with your picture in the back is still in my garage. I still know how to pedal. I still know how to get my heart rate up. I still know the power of riding a bike.

So, I am going to ride in memory of you. Your dad will do the same. Your sister and her friends will volunteer for your cause. And together we will continue to ride for all the Mito patients still fighting the good fight. And somewhere in this miserable disease, there are good things happening. I still feel very much at home in the Mito community. It's the people who get me. It's the friends who know what it means to love and lose, and still finding strength to go on. To face another day without you, and still finding beauty in the day.

And out of your disease comes some good things. Through our biking, and being part of team Summits for Samantha benefiting Children's Hospital and specifically the Mitochondrial Clinic, the first clinical trial is taking place in Denver. It gives our local patients a true chance of seeing improvements in their disease progression. Mitochondrial research is happening right here in our backyard. Positive change larger than myself is happening right here. It helps to find that bigger purpose as we're still so very new on this journey without you.

The bike was my outlet for the last couple of years. I felt strong on the bike when I sometimes didn't know what was going to happen to you. I rode on your last day of life.

My fundraising page dedicated to you is up again:

http://support.childrenscoloradofoundation.org/goto/myJacob

 Every single Dollar will benefit children and adults just like you, Jacob. That is a pretty darn good reason to getting on that bike again.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back,

mom.