HOUSE OF CARDS

Dear Jacob,

I have had a bunny sitting under your cherry tree all afternoon. He stretched out long, and was so content in the fall sun. I am wondering if you came to visit me. This is where you would hang out on the front lawn while I was working.

When my mom was about to pass away from her terminal cancer and I was too young to lose her, my uncle twirled his beard and tried to comfort me. He talked to me about our house of cards and how we now had to build a new house of cards as my mom would soon leave us. Her fallen card would completely shake our perfectly balanced structure of playing cards. I like that analogy, and I do like the TV series House of Cards.

My House of Cards once again has been shaking to the ground with you leaving us, and we all three are trying to rebuild a new structure of playing cards. We are trying to find that new balance to the best of our abilities.

It has hit me lately that I am only playing with three cards instead of four. Each card holding our family together in that perfect balance. I do struggle to find a perfect balance of life, and finding the good in life again. I know not everything was perfect with you in our lives, but in a way it was perfect, because it was our complete family.

I have also had to wrap my head around the fact that living under such extreme pressure with you for ten years has set its' mark. My firefighting skills and being under extreme stress became my normal. My brain is triggered that way after ten years. I don't know any other way to live. When I wake up during the night, I would have absolutely no problem to start my day at any hour of the night. This is what I did for ten years. I would wake up multiple times every night, and do whatever care was needed or deal with any emergency. That is what my brain knows. This is what I know. You know what, I miss my old life. I miss it because it is what I know. I miss it because I got so very good at it. I miss it because you were my reason to live life that way.

I realize that it's not necessary to live life that way right now, and that I need to retrain my brain. As part of rebuilding our House of Cards, I also need to train my brain for down time, creative time and sleep time. Things that I didn't always have in my life for so long. For a whole decade. It might all sound good to you, but I am scared. I am scared because there are things I don't do well. I know in the down time, I will find grief and I will find you. I know that my tendency is to go, go, go, but I am going to try to carve out down time. I am going to find time to sit in your room, talk to you, and feel the love we so deeply shared. It sometimes hit me how deeply connected we were despite you not being able to communicate all your needs and wishes. I think because of that, we connected on a deeper level where my whole body knew what you needed and what you wanted. It was sometimes a hard place because sometimes I couldn't quite figure out what you needed, but overall I sincerely miss that deep connection. A connection beyond words.

I am hoping with down time that I can find sleep. It has been really hard for me to find good sleep lately, and having to wake up before the sun is up isn't helping. I am not giving up on this one, but it's going to take some time to retrain that brain of mine that never let me sleep for more than a few hours at a time.

Lastly, I want to find more of my creative side again. I was so good at making all pieces of life happen night and day, and I was going strong for often 16-17 hours straight each day. When I finally sat down by the end of the day, I collapsed. My brain was fried. I am hoping that you will guide me here. My writing is one thing I want to make time for. It always makes me feel really good, and it helps me process my grief. I want to make more time for spontaneity and creativity, and I hope with down time, I will find that side again.

I will look for your signs and your guidance as I try to find a new rhythm of life again and building our House of Cards once again. I also believe you will always have a Card in our family. It might be that invisible Card that somehow holds us all together, watching over us, and keeping us moving forward. I need that Card.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back,

mom.

P.S. This article was my inspiration: http://www.forbes.com/sites/laurashin/2014/01/15/7-types-of-experience-your-brain-needs-to-function-at-its-best/#5fab783f6181