PARTING GIFTS

Sweet Jacob,

Another week without you, my sweet boy. As work has become really hectic and occupying my brain during the day, the car ride home has been my place to connect with you. It has hit me several times this week that you are truly, truly gone. It's like the biggest punch to my stomach, to my soul. It's so unbelievably big to take in. The thought of not you being part of my life any longer is unbearable at times. You're not coming back, my sweet Jacob.

I got to read the book "Badger's Parting Gifts" by Susan Varley this week. It's this book about Badger who passes away, and his friends are so sad. As they grieve, they all realize the beautiful parting gifts Badger gave them. I would recommend this book to anyone going through grief independently of age.

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It got me to think about you, and the gifts you gave me. I was thrown into a new job this week that I haven't done in over ten years. I was winging it as I was diving into the details. I made decisions hoping they were the right ones. I figured things out, and had to say "I don't know" many times. I laughed when things just got a little too crazy. I got very dependent on my coffee as my day started long before the sun was up. But you know what I didn't do. I didn't freak out. I didn't get all worked up. I didn't get all stressed out. You, my friend have taught me what things are truly important in life worth getting worked up about. You taught me what is truly important in life. You taught me what a true crisis, a true emergency is. Remember those times we shared together, and how we came through on the other side.

You gave me the gift of being able to live in the moment. It's something you had to work with me on for a long time, actually probably your whole life. Remember when we were completely in synch getting you ready for the day, and the happiness to simply be together, right there in the moment. You gave me that gift. I am hanging on to that gift, since it's so easy to lose sight of that when life gets busy. My happiest moments where always when I lived fully in the moment with you. So simple, but sometimes so hard.

And you gave me your love for life. Gosh, did you love to live. And you sure knew how to love. This is why this is the hardest gift to receive. It was so much easier to just watch you do what you were best at, but now it's my turn to keep that going. To make sure I give your gift justice. So, each day I try to find the good in life. Thanks for showing me the path on the days colored in grey, and on the days when I feel my eyes tear up at any kind word or the tiniest thought of you. Thanks for your gitf on the nights when I so desperately want to put you to bed and kiss your tiny little nose one more time.

And as hard as it is to be left behind, the one gift that will always keep us together is the love we have for each other. That is the best parting gift I can think of, but also the hardest one to receive - being left behind. This picture showed up on my Facebook feed today. I felt the love just looking at us. Forever.

I love you to the moon and back.
mom.