YOUR STOCKING

Sweet Jacob,

I am happy to let you know I found some peace and joy this Christmas, but a first Christmas without you did exhaust me. The anticipation of a Christmas without you got the best of me. Christmas Eve was good. I felt your presence all day long. I think you knew I couldn't do a first Christmas completely without you. Family and friends, Swedish traditions, too much food and wine made for a pretty awesome Christmas Eve. The most important thing was that we were surrounded by friends who love you like we do.

Sarah was excited about Christmas Day morning with our traditional brunch of Christmas food leftovers and gift opening. Your dad went out of his way to get me several gifts from you. I now have coffee mugs with you on it for every occasion, and my own mitochondria necklace. I am pretty psyched about my gift from you to dad too. He got a ring with your very own fingerprint on it.

I'm slowly learning about life without you, and grief leaves me exhausted. By Christmas Day afternoon, your dad, sister, and I all ended up on the bed resting and half sleeping. Since we had the day all to ourselves, we simply went with it. But man, this is something I need to get used to as we're embarking on our "firsts without you".

As we were keeping old traditions, I also felt we needed to create new traditions this year. I am happy I put out a plate with your picture and candle at our Christmas table. It was the right thing to do, since you were on everyone's mind.

I also put up your stocking after Thanksgiving. I asked family and friends to send you little messages of their favorite memories with you. I put the cards and little messages in your stocking throughout the month of December. Last night, we opened your stocking. It was perfect. I couldn't make it through the notes without crying, and your dad and sister joined me. It was a good cry. It just amazes me how very much you were loved, and how many lives you touched. There were memories I had forgotten about, so it was great to relive them through the words of friends and family. It made it real. All the letters are back in the stocking once again, and they will come out next year again. We will find a time to read them out loud each Christmas, and share in the joy you spread in your short but beautiful life.

I am absolutely amazed with the outpour of love and support for us this past week. The messages, the cards, the letters, the phone calls, the meaningful gifts, and sincere friendships. I know this time of the year is busy for everyone, and I never take for granted that we will be on people's mind. So, it's with tremendous awe and gratitude, we have embraced every gesture of love and kindness. We never feel alone.

We love our very own Jacob tribe.

Sweet Jacob,

I love you to the moon and back,

mom.