YOUR BIRTHDAY MONTH

Sweet Jacob,

I wrote about the beginning of the end last time. I was a little scared to open my heart completely, but it was the right thing to do. I want to thank our circle of friends for reading, showing compassion and empathy, and being with us on this journey. Thank you, dear readers and friends.

January. January was your month. It was your birthday month. January got another meaning after you were born. Celebrating your birthday was never "just another birthday"or "another birthday party in the books". Your birthday was a celebration of life. Your birthday was a celebration of you making it through another 365 days. It was a celebration of you. It was my absolute favorite day of the year. I loved it better than any other day of the year. With all your illnesses and hospital stays, I am amazed you always were home on your birthday. You always had a good day on the 31st of January. It was your very special day. Your 10th birthday celebration last year was the absolute best! You sure knew how to make your last birthday the absolute best. What an incredible memory for us to have.

To have you birthday come right after Christmas is like slow torture. We just made it through the holidays, and then it's your birthday month. I struggled with what to do for your birthday. A lot. I had all these elaborate ideas in my head of big parties, big celebrations of you, but somehow it didn't feel just right. I couldn't get my act together. If anything it made me feel exhausted. I couldn't figure out what to do to honor your life and your birthday.

One snowy Saturday when I was walking Max with your dad after watching the movie Collateral Beauty, it came to me. Sarah, Joakim, and I needed to be together. We who always surrounded you needed to be together. That's all there is to it. I was trying to put on a celebration for everyone else who loved and cared for you, and Jacob as much as I want to, it's not in the cards this birthday. I need to keep this simple. I need to keep this close to my heart with the two people who loved you more than anything else. I need time to reflect. I need time to simply be. I need to find you.

Tomorrow morning, we're escaping town. We're going somewhere none of us have been before. We're going to just be. I hope to find some quiet time to reflect on you, and all the beautiful years we got to celebrate you this weekend. Your birthday parties were simply the best. It was so much love in our house.

Yesterday we received a wonderful surprise. Miracles for Mito and everyone who donated to Miracles for Mito in your honor gave us the best birthday gift there is. We got your memory bench. This has been in works for months, and Broomfield made sure it happened in time for your big day. I found myself on your bench last night in the darkness. I watched the star filled sky from your bench, and I knew you could see me. This morning, I decided to take a few minutes and sit on your bench before heading in to work. I already know I have found my absolute favorite spot in Broomfield. It's the park (Quail Creek Park) you loved to hang out in. When you were little you loved playing on the swings. As you got older, you watched the other kids play. We have so many good memories from this park. My favorite one is on Easter Sunday, 2010. We ran into one of your friends from school, and you were so happy to see her. It had been the roughest winter in your life so far, and you finally started to venture out of the house again. From enjoying the sunshine in the park, we went on to have a lovely Easter dinner with friends. I will always keep that Sunday close to my heart.

I already know this is going to be a favorite place to bring a cup of coffee and simply sit and reflect on you and the incredible gift you were to us and so many people.

Find me this weekend, Jacob. Find me on your birthday. Find me in my heart.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back,

mom.

P.S. I welcome you to sit on Jacob's bench. It's located in Quail Creek Park in Broomfield. The exact address is 2201-2219 W 138th Ave, Broomfield, CO 80023. It's the perfect park for little children, and Starbucks is within 5 minutes walk.