It has been too long...That was the first thought as I was sitting down to write. I am sitting on a shady balcony in a summer dress, surrounded by palm trees, and distanced laughter from the nearby swimming pool. I am on vacation in sunny Florida with your dad, sister, and one of Sarah's dear friends. We have had a wonderful spring break together.
It has been too long, Jacob. I needed a vacation to slow down after probably one of the most crazy intense couple of months of my life. Work and travel got the best of me. It has been a true whirlwind.
Florida brings back a lot of memories of you. This is the place we vacationed together out of State. We went to Disney World twice. This is where your Make-A-Wish trip went eight years ago. The place we're staying at is pretty similar to the place we stayed the first time we went together as a family.
Riding "It's a Small World" in Magic Kingdom the other night I smiled thinking of you never getting off the ride. You rode and rode around the world as the lyrics got stuck in our heads and the rain was pouring down outside. I knew where I changed your diaper as Joakim and Sarah went down Splash Mountain. I remembered us getting stuck on the train in Magic Kingdom, and you being your very happy self. Nothing could stop your happy smile. Strolling through Epcot Center yesterday, I remembered you and Sarah gotten your passports stamped in each country. I found the restaurant we had dinner at sunset. I remembered you sitting in the lap of Cinderella, Belle, Sleeping Beauty and all the other princesses and Disney characters. We have so many happy memories with you right here. Happy, but also painful because you are not by our side any longer.
It has been 21 months since we parted ways. 21 months. I can operate in life. For many people around me, they would say that I am doing quite well. What might not always be visible on the surface is that the pain can still be so raw. We have still had more times with you than without you. We still know life with you so very well, but yet details are fading. I still can ramble off your daily schedule as if I would jump in at any hour of the day. Yet I don't remember the exact doses of all your medications any longer. The fact is that I don't need to remember your medication schedule by heart anymore.
After 21 months I am still searching for how to live life without you. I am searching for answers. As I was walking on the beach the other day, I was searching for you in the ocean, in the waves, in the sky, and in the sand. I finally found you in the formation of birds that was ever changing. At one point, you formed a heart. You looked so happy surrounded by your peeps.
I reminded myself to be patient with my grief, with my pain. I reminded myself that answers will come with time. I reminded myself that living with you I never knew how the day would end. I never knew what next week, next month would look like. I reminded myself that change is the only constant in life, and I deal with change every day. I reminded myself that answers will come when time is right. A lesson I have to keep reminding my impatient soul of.
Sweet Jacob, it has been wonderful to slow down this week. It has been bittersweet and hard to go down memory lane with you for the last week. It has been fantastic to see your sister and her friend laugh and share lives with us including on this crazy ride Space Mission that got the best of me. Your dad and I know how to relax and vacation together.
Tomorrow night we return to the crazy busy lives we live. I will make sure to not let time pass too long before I visit with you here again.
Sweet Jacob,
I love you to the moon and back,
mom.
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