Tomorrow evening, we're heading back home. It is with mixed feelings I leave this sacred place and beautiful beach and ocean. I know it was the right decision to leave everything and come to the beach for almost three weeks. Life has been greatly simplified. Eat, sleep, beach, repeat. Wherever we went, we brought memories and longing for our boy, but it was in a place where no one but the three of us knew about it. We didn't carry the grief of others caring for Jacob. The focus was on the three of us, no one else. I'm thinking it was all we could handle.
I can't remember when the three of us have spent this much time together. It was a good start to a new beginning. Grief can at the same time be a lonely place even when you're surrounded by loved ones. The three of us don't grieve at the same time, and not in the same way. I think we did ok in also giving each other space when we needed it. I know I needed my alone time, and Joakim and Sarah would venture out to the grocery store or starting the grill down at the beach. Sarah and I would venture to the farmer's market or spend more time in the waves while Joakim would sit on the beach. Sarah would leave a little earlier from the beach while Joakim and I would take a walk together.
We have united several evenings on the beach, collecting and writing Jacob's name with sea shells. We love the stillness of the beach at night, the cool sand on our feet, the sound of the ever lasting waves, the breeze, the dramatic sky, and the sun sets. The beach looks slightly different each time reminding us that so do our lives right now. Nothing is constant.
As I read about loss of a child, I'm told to "sit in my grief". I should welcome the grief and fully experience it. In the middle of the ugly grief, healing will come. Being a person who loves to stay busy, it's sometimes hard for me to fully slow down and "sit in my grief". As Sarah was starting to get a little bored of our slow beach days, Joakim decided to take Sarah to Universal Studios today.
Today, it was all about me. I started the day with a run. Exercising was always my "go to" when I was stressed about Jacob, and so is it now. Passing a playground with a special needs swing was all it took for me to land right in sadness. I kept running despite my legs not being as willing to move forward. It was probably the slowest run in a very long time as I was passing that little empty swing twice.
I had a slow breakfast and enjoyed my cup of coffee as I was reading a few more old blog posts. I then went to the beach. I swam in the waves, went for a walk on the beach, and read my book. I didn't think much. I just let my mind wander. This afternoon, I put on my favorite Swedish opera singer Malena Ernman. Sarah and Joakim are not crazy about her, so today I could fully blast her new CD Sverige (Sweden). And right then, I sat in my grief. I had no one waiting for me or nowhere to be. I let the tears come for my sweet Jacob I so very much miss. The loss of Jacob is so much more than our sweet boy. It's the loss of him being my inspiration and motivation each day for ten years. The loss of being Jacob's mom, something I got so very good at. It was a purpose in life bigger than anything I have ever experienced.
As we venture home tomorrow, I'm nervous. Coming back home is going to make the loss of Jacob, if at all possible, even more evident. Our house is quiet compared to being filled with Jacob's nurses and therapists. Jacob's typically busy room is quiet. Every room in our house has reminders of our boys. The care and kisses every hour of the day is gone. I don't need to get up at a certain hour to prepare medications, start Jacob's vest treatment and suction him. I don't need to eat dinner a certain hour to get Jacob to bed in time for his seizure medications. I wish there was some relief in that,but it is just pure loss. What I would do to get that life back again. It's also time for Joakim to get back to work again.
To soften our homecoming, we have good friends visiting from Switzerland moving in with us right away. They shared Jacob with us for years, so that gives me comfort. Sarah is also ready to see her friends again. As I told her early on that I think exercise will help me heal, she told me right away that her friends will help her to find happiness again. She can't wait to see them. She had a rough couple of days lately when she had to make some decisions for next year. She simply couldn't. She was so sad, and she thinks life is pretty unfair. I felt heart broken seeing her so sad. She needs Joakim and I close to her, and she craves a lot of attention from both of us. She doesn't like to go to bed. Other times, she is hoping by not thinking about Jacob and not talking about him, the pain will go away. It's simply too much to take in all at once to get through the day.
Despite being far from home, I have cherished all of you checking in with me. I have cherished each kind message, and it gets me through to the next act of kindness. This blog has also been very good to me, a place to put words on so many overwhelming feelings.
Sincere thanks to our community of family & friends. Thanks for sticking with us.
Much love, Maria.