I always knew. I always knew I would have no idea how it would be on the other side. I let my mind wander in that direction sometimes, but most days I just saw a black hole. I couldn't imagine life without you. I didn't know what it would be without you.
That is the one thing I was right about. I didn't know how it would be without you. We're getting close to five months without you, and I think little by little, I start to take in that you're not coming back. Some days, I just can't even phantom our reality. I consider myself an intelligent logical person, but I can't handle the enormous loss of you in one go. Not in five months time. It's too big too handle.
So, how is it to have Grief at the table?
Grief sneaks up when it wants to. It has a mind of it's own. A sweater, a smell, a picture, a sunset, a memory can make it come for a visit. Often when I sit in the car on the way home from work, letting my mind unwind, it comes to visit. I think of you. Sometimes I smile, sometimes I feel pain, and there are always tears. Tears are good. Tears make me feel better. It's just amazing how many my eyes can produce. The sky is the limit.
I'm forever grateful you taught me to live in the moment, and to enjoy life's precious moments. I didn't always know how to do just that. Many, many years ago, I was upset about something at work. I don't even remember what it was any longer. I went for a walk with this wise colleague of mine. Instead of arguing about the issue we both were upset about. He pointed to the sky. He pointed to the beautiful sunset. He wanted to show me that none of this mattered. The answers were in the sky.
I realized many years later that his life experience at the time was a little deeper than mine. I wish I could take a walk with my former colleague one more time because today we could watch the sky together. I see things in another light now. I took a walk with Max this evening, and the colors of the sky, the sun, the trees are just a little brighter. I always find you in the beauty of nature. I know you are there.
It's with mixed feelings I am going in to this holiday season without you. As you know, I love the holidays. I have always loved this part of the year for as long as I can remember. With me going all the way out for the holidays, Sarah has become an equally big fan of traditions and everything that comes with this time of the year. She is determined we're doing Christmas. If she would get her way, the tree would be up by now.
As much as I love this time of the year, I know it's going to be so very hard without you for the first time. Everything that I love about this time of the year had you in it. You were such an integral part of it. So, I am going to have to find you in this holiday season. I am going to find ways to remember and honor you. I am also going to ease up a little on myself as everyone else decides to put that extra pressure on themselves. I am going to try to stay honest to myself to allow Grief to take a place at our table this season. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and all those days in between.
This season I am inviting Grief to our table. It's not something I want to do, but I better acknowledge I need an extra chair at the table. It's that one Guest who won't turn down my invitation.
Sweet Jacob, through tears we will keep the good traditions and create new ones. We will do things you loved to fill our hearts. We will do the very difficult task of surviving without you. How I miss you, sweet, sweet boy.
I love you to the moon and back,