Sunday, November 6, 2016


Sweet Jacob,

What a great weekend we just had. You were never far from my mind, and I got to talk about you so much. It felt so good after surviving the first Halloween without you.

Remember how you felt after a long day? Remember how it felt as if you were running a marathon every single day? That is how Dr. E. felt after playing Symphony No. 9 in C major by Schubert on Friday evening. This piece is intense for the violinists, and she gave it her all. She had a big smile on her face as she was wiping off a little sweat from her forehead. Dr. E gives big sincere hugs, and we got several of them on Friday. How I have missed her, really missed her. It was so good to talk to her, and see her. She was your absolute biggest champion at Children's, and she was such a large part of your life, of all of our lives. To hug and talk to her felt like yet one of your parting gifts. As she was playing, I was thinking about some of the harder times we had together, and how she never shied away from the difficult topics, and how she never ever gave up on you. How she came and saw you in the PICU evening after evening as she was done in her Clinic. How she spent the last weekend with you an us in the ICU. How she was always there for you, for us. I remembered her examining you in the Clinic so many times, and how she thought you were such a beautiful boy. She especially loved you dressed all in black (sometimes Gemma dressed you up specially for Dr. E). Even when you were on the "shubby" side, you were always perfect in Dr. E's eyes. I know I will spend more evenings with Arapahoe Philarmonic in the new year because she sure ran a marathon with you for ten beautiful years.

I also got to hang with your favorite friend Mrs. Brittany last night. She has been one of my strongest supporter since you left us. It doesn't go a week without her checking in on me, and telling me about her memories of you. It warms my heart every time I hear from her, since I know how much she loves you and how we share that together. We introduced Mrs. B and her partner in crime to Swiss Raclette last night. We had fun making our food at the table, and they introduced us to the board game Ticket to Ride. It was fun to see Sarah staying by Mrs. B's side all night long. Typically when we have friends over for dinner, Sarah disappears from the table sooner or later, but not last night. She had fun playing board games, and making conversations. I more than once was looking to your side of the table thinking you would show up in your chill out chair and watching over all of us. I felt your presence.

Today, I got to have coffee with your old nurse Libby in our backyard. She stopped by with one of her fabulous soups, and we chatted about life. Remember how she always visited us in the hospital and delivered me soup? It was one of my best meals in the hospital after having been sitting in your bed for most of the day. Home made soup warmed my soul. I was happy to find a batch of pesto in my freezer for her as well. Libby loved coming to our house when I had made a big batch of pesto in the summer evenings.

Jacob, you have no idea how much I treasure your friends. The ones who came in to our lives because of you, and how you stole their hearts secretly. How they all came in to your life because you needed them, but in the end, they all needed you more. I feel so close to you when I spend time with them because we share the longing for you, the gratitude for loving you, and the laughter of all those beautiful memories we created together. They fuel me. They keep me going. They became a part of our lives.

I can't deny it, the holidays are upon us. We made it through Halloween in one piece. I find myself longing for you more and more as the holidays are upon us. I know the rest of the year will not be easy as we always cherished this time of the year with you. For now, I am simply accepting it's not going to be easy. I will try to follow my heart and honor you each step of the way. It's not going to be easy, it's not going to be linear, but who ever said it was going to be easy without you? I knew it wouldn't.

The one thing I do know is those very special friends of yours will soften the edges and sprinkle some glitter and gold on our souls as we so terribly miss you.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back.

Love, mom.

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