Saturday, October 29, 2016


Dear Jacob,

We have had a beautiful fall in Colorado this year. Warmer than I can remember we have had in a very long time. Spectacular colorful leaves have stayed with us. The fall storms have stayed away. I'm wearing my boots, but no need for leggings or tights just yet. The other day I saw this large orange and black butterfly, and I knew it was you coming to say hi. Butterflies in October...I have taken walks around the lake with Max, which always gets me to think of you. You would have enjoyed this fall so very much. We would have stopped, and taking pictures and simply taking in the nature around us. I do miss you on these walks, and sometimes I end up talking to both you and Max as we're getting our way around the lake.

I miss the things we did together during the fall.I miss our pumpkin painting galore, and always making a couple of Minion pumpkins for the front porch. I felt it was better to simply not do it this year, since I think it would have been too painful. We did introduce my Swedish friend Mari to a pumpkin patch, and Sarah had fun picking out pumpkins this year.

I haven't had as much pumpkin this fall as I typically do. I haven't made pumpkin bread or muffins yet, and I have only had one or two pumpkin spice lattes. I will sure be thinking of you when I find time for those special treats.

We have had a busy fall so far. Work has taken up a good chunk of my time, and it has been good busy. I have this team in Europe, who all get me up really early in the mornings, and it has been a good feeling to be able to make a difference.

Your sister has been smiling a lot lately. High school volleyball just ended. It turned out to be really good for sis, and she enjoyed her two teams a lot. She is doing really well in school, and she has a good circle of friends. She has been really chatty with me as we walk Max, and I do enjoy our time together so very much. It's fun to get an ear and eye into the high school world.

Your dad is doing pretty well too. He will never admit it, but I think Max is growing on him. He takes Max for walks, and makes sure he has everything he needs, just like he always did for you. Your dad and I have started going to yin yoga at least once a week. We stretch together, and it's so good for the mind and soul. We sleep like babies (which is a rare thing for me) after one of those classes. It's great to find new things to enjoy together.

Do you remember Duck and Vince? They are running the non-profit Domus Pacis in Summit County. When Duck's mother was nearing the end of her battle with cancer, she went to the Rocky Mountains with her daughters. This was the best medicine for her heart and soul. When her mother passed, Duck didn't know what to do with her beautiful fully handicap accessible home. This is how Domus Pacis was founded. They are now offering hospice families a respite week in the mountains. We got close with them the first time Sarah and I stayed with them. You and daddy stayed home, since you were battling pneumonia and wouldn't have liked the high altitude. Duck wanted to make sure you got your respite week too, and in October of last year, we all went up to their home for a long weekend. I have so many good memories from that weekend with you.

Duck and Vince wanted you to come up in the summer time too, and we had planned to stay with them again in June. Unfortunately, I had to call Duck and let her know that rather than coming up to their beautiful home, we would be at your memorial service. Since then, Duck has done everything to get us up here again. She felt respite was equally important now as we're grieving and trying to find a new normal. The respite is finally happening. Your sister is off from school for a few days, and we have been up in a beautiful mountain home in Keystone since Thursday evening. It's still completely amazes me how we can just pack up and go. It's a really, really odd feeling.

As I am writing to you, I am sitting outside with a glass of wine and enjoying the sun slowly setting over the mountains. The sky is blue, and there is a slight chill in the air. It has been so good to be up here. There is absolutely no noise around here, so I have been sleeping really well. I have been sipping my coffee with a beautiful mountain view. We have been playing board games. We have been listening to music. We have been watching movies. We have enjoyed good food and wine. We have relaxed, and just slowed down a little.

It has been a perfect escape from Halloween weekend. I have been a little worried about Halloween, and how the emptiness of you not being here is going to feel on one of the biggest holidays for children. I loved dressing you up. I loved staying back with you at the house, and hand out candy until you needed to go to bed. I loved the years friends came over after trick-or-treating to hang out with us as we were watching you on the camera in deep sleep. I have many good memories from Halloween with you.

And once again, friends are picking us up. We will celebrate this holiday with friends, and Sarah still gets to go trick-or-treating with her friends, and we get to enjoy some adult time. I needed this holiday to be different than previous years, and Sarah is so excited about her matching costume with one of her friends.

As we move into the holiday season, I know it's going to be really rough without you. I just know it. I can at any time remember the first Christmas without my mom, and how difficult that was for all us being near to her. I'm just going to have to take one step at a time, and see what feels right and not. Friends keep watching over us, and I think that is the best medicine. We're just never really alone. I can't say enough about that constant continuous support. It fills my heart every day.

Jacob, it's starting to get a little chilly out here as the sun has fallen behind the trees. It's time to join your dad and sister inside. Tomorrow, we're venturing out to Breckenridge to enjoy another beautiful day up here.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back always,

your mom.

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