YOU ARE EVERYWHERE

Dear Jacob,

I survived Thanksgiving. It was hard the days leading up to the holiday. I cried in the car to work, I cried in the car from work.I cried. Holidays are hard because they are filled with memories of you. If someone would ask me what you and I did this evening a year ago, I wouldn't know. If someone would ask me what I did on Thanksgiving a year ago, two years ago, five years ago, I would be able to tell you. I can smell, sense, taste, feel, see you.

Watching Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, 2012.

Cuddling in bed on Thanksgiving morning, 2015.

Friends made Thanksgiving good, actually really good. Friends who truly knew you. Friends who relate to our happy times, and our pain from longing for you. We did something really special to honor you this Thanksgiving. Before dinner, we had a Christmas ornament party in honor of you. We all colored ornaments with acrylic paint, something you did so many times this time of the year. Sarah was not so sure about my craft party, but she did like it in the end. She even made me an ornament with the silver letter J. As I was shaking one of mine, a "J" appeared out of the white paint. I am not kidding. It was right there. My friend Karen made an extra special ornament for me saying "I love you, Jacob 2015". Your forever Thanksgiving parting gift to us all. As we gave thanks this year, we remembered your beautiful words, and we all cheered to you. It turned into a good day with friends, laughter, and making good memories.

The day after Thanksgiving, I felt as if I had a grief hangover. I don't know any better way to describing it. I had gathered all my strength for Thanksgiving. My tank was empty. It was a good day to stay in workout clothes and start decorating the house for Christmas. I thought it would be so hard, but I enjoyed taking my time reflecting as I was transforming our home for the holidays. I especially enjoyed decorating your little Christmas tree, listening to one of your Christmas CDs, and just thinking back on our happy times together.

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I got so many messages from your friends remembering you as they were putting up their Christmas decorations. I had forgotten how many people you crafted for. They were taking pictures of your gifts and sending me little messages of love. I have the same feeling in my house as it is all lit up for the holidays. You are everywhere.

And then there is your stocking. Your Snoopy stocking is hanging right next to your dad's Grinch stocking as it always did. I would love to fill your stocking with love this year. If you're reading this, and have a good memory of Jacob or a few words you want to share with our boy, please write them down. Send them to us via mail (13960 Lake Isle Lane, Broomfield, CO, 80023) or email (mhopfgarten@gmail.com). I will make sure all messages will make it into Jacob's stocking, and as we find our way through the first Christmas without our boy, we will read and cherish those beautiful words and memories.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back,

mom.