YOUR STOCKING

Sweet Jacob,

I am happy to let you know I found some peace and joy this Christmas, but a first Christmas without you did exhaust me. The anticipation of a Christmas without you got the best of me. Christmas Eve was good. I felt your presence all day long. I think you knew I couldn't do a first Christmas completely without you. Family and friends, Swedish traditions, too much food and wine made for a pretty awesome Christmas Eve. The most important thing was that we were surrounded by friends who love you like we do.

Sarah was excited about Christmas Day morning with our traditional brunch of Christmas food leftovers and gift opening. Your dad went out of his way to get me several gifts from you. I now have coffee mugs with you on it for every occasion, and my own mitochondria necklace. I am pretty psyched about my gift from you to dad too. He got a ring with your very own fingerprint on it.

I'm slowly learning about life without you, and grief leaves me exhausted. By Christmas Day afternoon, your dad, sister, and I all ended up on the bed resting and half sleeping. Since we had the day all to ourselves, we simply went with it. But man, this is something I need to get used to as we're embarking on our "firsts without you".

As we were keeping old traditions, I also felt we needed to create new traditions this year. I am happy I put out a plate with your picture and candle at our Christmas table. It was the right thing to do, since you were on everyone's mind.

I also put up your stocking after Thanksgiving. I asked family and friends to send you little messages of their favorite memories with you. I put the cards and little messages in your stocking throughout the month of December. Last night, we opened your stocking. It was perfect. I couldn't make it through the notes without crying, and your dad and sister joined me. It was a good cry. It just amazes me how very much you were loved, and how many lives you touched. There were memories I had forgotten about, so it was great to relive them through the words of friends and family. It made it real. All the letters are back in the stocking once again, and they will come out next year again. We will find a time to read them out loud each Christmas, and share in the joy you spread in your short but beautiful life.

I am absolutely amazed with the outpour of love and support for us this past week. The messages, the cards, the letters, the phone calls, the meaningful gifts, and sincere friendships. I know this time of the year is busy for everyone, and I never take for granted that we will be on people's mind. So, it's with tremendous awe and gratitude, we have embraced every gesture of love and kindness. We never feel alone.

We love our very own Jacob tribe.

Sweet Jacob,

I love you to the moon and back,

mom.

YOUR SISTER

Sweet Jacob,

You're on my mind all the time. It's the holidays. They do that to me. This time of year is wrapped into so many traditions, and you were always right there in the middle of our celebrations. We figured out a beautiful way to do Christmas around vest treatments, medications, and anything else you needed. It was our Christmas, and our way of being a family as a whole. It was always pretty perfect.

I knew to never take things for granted with you. Christmas was no different. Last year, two dear friends lost their children on this very day. It hit me hard. It hit close to home. It made me realize how very fragile life is. It made me squeeze you a little harder last year, and truly understand what a miracle you were to us all. I especially remember sitting on the couch in the afternoon on Christmas Day, and just holding you and your sister squeezing in next to us. It was a perfect moment.

I wanted to let you know how your sister is doing. First of all, I couldn't have made it through the last six months without her. She has a way to keep both your dad and I going, moving forward. One of my almost shocking observations after you passed is how Sarah mysteriously had become a high schooler. Our last ten years were really busy, and somehow I didn't realize your sister was growing up right in front of my eyes. The thought that she is going to college in less than four years is a little frightening. I know many teenagers don't want to be with their parents, but I have so far to witness that with your sister. She loves hanging with us, and it is such a gift. As you know, she is fun, sincere, smart, and definitely goofy. It's a good combination.

Your sister misses you. It hurts her. It's hard to hurt, and at the same growing up, trying to fit in, and finding yourself. I keep talking about you all the time, so she knows all her feelings are true and valid and perfectly normal. I try to put words to her feelings when she can't. When she's sad, she confides in her dog Max. His personality definitely reminds us of you. He even has his share of medical issues that has kept us on our toes including a possible diagnosis of pancreatitis. After our last vet visit, I was asked if I were a doctor, and I had to admit that all my medical experience comes from you. Knowing all the ins and outs of pancreatitis, lipase, and stomach pain.

I'm proud of your sister. I'm proud of her staying the course in school, with her friends, with her volleyball, and with her teenage life. Not an easy task, but she's doing it. I'm also happy that she wants Children's to stay in her life. When she has a day off from school, she goes and volunteers in the hospital. Her favorite thing to do is to give out gifts to the newly admitted families. Remember when she gave you that green monkey blanket?

Sarah also joined the Youth Advisory Council at Children's this fall. This Council consists of patients and siblings, and they look out for the children in the hospital. Sarah has made good friends on the Council, and it was fun to watch her at the Holiday Party. She didn't once blink with friends being in wheelchairs, having autism or battling cancer or other diseases. If anything, Sarah fitted right in the group. I was able to snap a few pictures from her participating in the Harley Davidson toy drive with 2500 riders, and her holiday party.

And do you know what she is really excited about? She gets to go to Children's Prom this spring! She is not even old enough for prom, but it doesn't matter. She gets to go! She is beyond excited. I'll share that special night with you.

On Thanksgiving morning, I was so very sad. I missed you beyond words. I was sitting on the couch, and Sarah curled up with me. I told her I could never do this life without her. She is saving me over and over again.

Tonight, we're watching the ultimate Christmas movie Love Actually. Christmas food is filling our fridges, ready to feed eighteen friends who are coming over for dinner tomorrow. I will put out a plate for you, since you will be on everyone's mind. You're never far from us. It's not going to be easy without you. In fact, it's going to be pretty shitty. But I hope in the middle of our hearts hurting for you, we will find some moments of joy and Christmas spirit.

One of my favorite Christmas pictures of us.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back,

mom.

YOUR ART WALK

Something amazing happened this week. Your whole school community came together for YOU. They honored you with an art walk throughout your whole school, both floors. Every single child at Coyote Ridge penciled a picture, and then worked with your favorite art teacher Mr. Klein on using pastel colors, not once, twice.

I rushed out of a meeting running late to get to your school in time for your art walk. My brain was wired for work, so as I walked in to your school, my brain was still busy. And then I saw the line of kids and parents who walked through the school to pick out their art work and make a donation in honor of you, sweet Jacob. It was crazy busy. It was overwhelming. It was beautiful. By the time, your dad made it to school, some of the walls were already empty from art being sold. I loved to see your picture, your name, and messages of love in the middle of a whole school's creativity. If anyone loved art it was you. There was no subject you loved more than art. You and Mr. Klein had your own relationship, and he really got you. He really knew how to get your creativity out of you, and he knew how to wait and listen for you to speak your mind. I loved hearing the stories of your art lessons in the car on the way home from school. I have your art all over the house.

Two of your beautiful teachers who love you to pieces put on this art walk. They put on the gallery walk to raise funds for a memory bench for you, sweet Jacob. It's going to be on the backside of the school where I always picked you up. Children and teachers can sit on the bench during recess, and they will remember and hear stories about you for years to come. I just love this idea because there was no happier place for you than Coyote Ridge.

As the kids worked on their art pieces, they got to learn about you. They got to learn that you loved the outdoors, that you loved school, that you loved playing with your friends, and that you loved to paint and craft.

I have to admit. It's hard walking through the doors of your school. It's hard because I am not pushing you in your wheel chair through the front doors and seeing your smiling para Nerma anymore. There is an emptiness walking through the doors without you. You are the reason I know this school. I honestly didn't realize until after you died how incredibly happy you were at Coyote Ridge, and what an incredible school environment you had. You were always completely included in the classroom and you made so many friends. Your teachers and therapists went out of their way to make sure you had everything you needed to be successful. This is the place you got to simply be a kid. No blood work, no vitals, no tests. This is the place where it was all about your abilities, not your disabilities. How incredibly happy I am you had all that in your life.

Your very dear friend CJ who is now in middle school came to your art walk with his mom. It fills my heart every time I get to see CJ. He of course snagged the Minion picture before anyone else could. He picked it because he knew you loved the Minions.

And I ran into your favorite girl Emma from kindergarten. She's so grown up now. Her eyes were glittering as we talked about you two. You always picked the best girls, and you always had an eye on the pretty girls. It was as if you knew you didn't have all the time in the world, so better go for the most beautiful kind hearted girls starting already in preschool. You wasted no time.

It was a perfect Tuesday. Your whole school community came together doing something you loved more than anything, art. You loved people, and that's what I got to witness. So much love for you. Soon, it's going to be a bench so we can all keep your memory in our hearts. I'm planning on taking a walk to your school with a good cup of coffee and simply sit and hold you in my heart.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back.

And to this day, I am so incredibly proud of you.

With so much love,

mom.

YOU ARE EVERYWHERE

Dear Jacob,

I survived Thanksgiving. It was hard the days leading up to the holiday. I cried in the car to work, I cried in the car from work.I cried. Holidays are hard because they are filled with memories of you. If someone would ask me what you and I did this evening a year ago, I wouldn't know. If someone would ask me what I did on Thanksgiving a year ago, two years ago, five years ago, I would be able to tell you. I can smell, sense, taste, feel, see you.

Watching Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, 2012.

Cuddling in bed on Thanksgiving morning, 2015.

Friends made Thanksgiving good, actually really good. Friends who truly knew you. Friends who relate to our happy times, and our pain from longing for you. We did something really special to honor you this Thanksgiving. Before dinner, we had a Christmas ornament party in honor of you. We all colored ornaments with acrylic paint, something you did so many times this time of the year. Sarah was not so sure about my craft party, but she did like it in the end. She even made me an ornament with the silver letter J. As I was shaking one of mine, a "J" appeared out of the white paint. I am not kidding. It was right there. My friend Karen made an extra special ornament for me saying "I love you, Jacob 2015". Your forever Thanksgiving parting gift to us all. As we gave thanks this year, we remembered your beautiful words, and we all cheered to you. It turned into a good day with friends, laughter, and making good memories.

The day after Thanksgiving, I felt as if I had a grief hangover. I don't know any better way to describing it. I had gathered all my strength for Thanksgiving. My tank was empty. It was a good day to stay in workout clothes and start decorating the house for Christmas. I thought it would be so hard, but I enjoyed taking my time reflecting as I was transforming our home for the holidays. I especially enjoyed decorating your little Christmas tree, listening to one of your Christmas CDs, and just thinking back on our happy times together.

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I got so many messages from your friends remembering you as they were putting up their Christmas decorations. I had forgotten how many people you crafted for. They were taking pictures of your gifts and sending me little messages of love. I have the same feeling in my house as it is all lit up for the holidays. You are everywhere.

And then there is your stocking. Your Snoopy stocking is hanging right next to your dad's Grinch stocking as it always did. I would love to fill your stocking with love this year. If you're reading this, and have a good memory of Jacob or a few words you want to share with our boy, please write them down. Send them to us via mail (13960 Lake Isle Lane, Broomfield, CO, 80023) or email (mhopfgarten@gmail.com). I will make sure all messages will make it into Jacob's stocking, and as we find our way through the first Christmas without our boy, we will read and cherish those beautiful words and memories.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back,

mom.

I'M GRATEFUL FOR YOU

Dear Jacob,

I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for the beautiful ten and a half years we had together on earth. I'm grateful you were in my life, and I'm so grateful for the time we had together. I'm grateful for you teaching me what life truly is about, for teaching me about unconditional love, to never give up, and to enjoy every moment. You made me so very happy.

Gratefulness didn't come easy. Since you passed away, I have not felt grateful. Thankfulness has been clouded by grief. I have felt great sadness.I have felt anger. I have felt emptiness. I have felt loneliness. I have felt anxiety, but I didn't feel grateful. Yesterday, it came to me. In light of Thanksgiving, there is nothing I am more grateful for than being your mom for ten amazing happy life changing years. You helped me grow up, see what is truly important in life, and always advocate for the ones who can't. You gave me a purpose every day. I know I won't always feel this way, but tonight I find grace and thanks as I very much miss you.

I got a message this morning that you are doing really well and that you're happy. Somebody who took care of you has a strong sixth sense. You visited with her in her dreams. You played with her daughter, you were learning to speak, you sat up, and you were munching on a treat. You were looking really well. You sent a message about happiness, about feeling well. I cried reading the lines, but it also gave me great comfort. I think you knew I needed a sign, a message from you in light of this family holiday upon us.

Jacob, I will never forget our last Thanksgiving together. It was completely perfect. You were strong, you were healthy, you had a really good day. We were surrounded by friends we call family. We all gave thanks including you. You worked so hard on finding exactly what you wanted to tell us, and you found the perfect words: "I love you" with your talker. It was a magic moment. Everyone choked up a little. You showed us the way, and tonight I think it was one of your many parting gifts.

Thanksgiving 2015

Keep sending me your signs as well as a little of your super power strength. I will need it this holiday.

I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for your dad and your sister. I am grateful for friends & family.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back,

mom.

INVITING GRIEF TO OUR TABLE

Dear Jacob,

I always knew. I always knew I would have no idea how it would be on the other side. I let my mind wander in that direction sometimes, but most days I just saw a black hole. I couldn't imagine life without you. I didn't know what it would be without you.

That is the one thing I was right about. I didn't know how it would be without you. We're getting close to five months without you, and I think little by little, I start to take in that you're not coming back. Some days, I just can't even phantom our reality. I consider myself an intelligent logical person, but I can't handle the enormous loss of you in one go. Not in five months time. It's too big too handle.

So, how is it to have Grief at the table?
Grief sneaks up when it wants to. It has a mind of it's own. A sweater, a smell, a picture, a sunset, a memory can make it come for a visit. Often when I sit in the car on the way home from work, letting my mind unwind, it comes to visit. I think of you. Sometimes I smile, sometimes I feel pain, and there are always tears. Tears are good. Tears make me feel better. It's just amazing how many my eyes can produce. The sky is the limit.

I'm forever grateful you taught me to live in the moment, and to enjoy life's precious moments. I didn't always know how to do just that. Many, many years ago, I was upset about something at work. I don't even remember what it was any longer. I went for a walk with this wise colleague of mine. Instead of arguing about the issue we both were upset about. He pointed to the sky. He pointed to the beautiful sunset. He wanted to show me that none of this mattered. The answers were in the sky.

I realized many years later that his life experience at the time was a little deeper than mine. I wish I could take a walk with my former colleague one more time because today we could watch the sky together. I see things in another light now. I took a walk with Max this evening, and the colors of the sky, the sun, the trees are just a little brighter. I always find you in the beauty of nature. I know you are there.

It's with mixed feelings I am going in to this holiday season without you. As you know, I love the holidays. I have always loved this part of the year for as long as I can remember. With me going all the way out for the holidays, Sarah has become an equally big fan of traditions and everything that comes with this time of the year. She is determined we're doing Christmas. If she would get her way, the tree would be up by now.

As much as I love this time of the year, I know it's going to be so very hard without you for the first time. Everything that I love about this time of the year had you in it. You were such an integral part of it. So, I am going to have to find you in this holiday season. I am going to find ways to remember and honor you. I am also going to ease up a little on myself as everyone else decides to put that extra pressure on themselves. I am going to try to stay honest to myself to allow Grief to take a place at our table this season. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and all those days in between.

This season I am inviting Grief to our table. It's not something I want to do, but I better acknowledge I need an extra chair at the table. It's that one Guest who won't turn down my invitation.

Sweet Jacob, through tears we will keep the good traditions and create new ones. We will do things you loved to fill our hearts. We will do the very difficult task of surviving without you. How I miss you, sweet, sweet boy.

I love you to the moon and back,

mom.

(Y)OUR PEOPLE

Sweet Jacob,

What a great weekend we just had. You were never far from my mind, and I got to talk about you so much. It felt so good after surviving the first Halloween without you.

Remember how you felt after a long day? Remember how it felt as if you were running a marathon every single day? That is how Dr. E. felt after playing Symphony No. 9 in C major by Schubert on Friday evening. This piece is intense for the violinists, and she gave it her all. She had a big smile on her face as she was wiping off a little sweat from her forehead. Dr. E gives big sincere hugs, and we got several of them on Friday. How I have missed her, really missed her. It was so good to talk to her, and see her. She was your absolute biggest champion at Children's, and she was such a large part of your life, of all of our lives. To hug and talk to her felt like yet one of your parting gifts. As she was playing, I was thinking about some of the harder times we had together, and how she never shied away from the difficult topics, and how she never ever gave up on you. How she came and saw you in the PICU evening after evening as she was done in her Clinic. How she spent the last weekend with you an us in the ICU. How she was always there for you, for us. I remembered her examining you in the Clinic so many times, and how she thought you were such a beautiful boy. She especially loved you dressed all in black (sometimes Gemma dressed you up specially for Dr. E). Even when you were on the "shubby" side, you were always perfect in Dr. E's eyes. I know I will spend more evenings with Arapahoe Philarmonic in the new year because she sure ran a marathon with you for ten beautiful years.

I also got to hang with your favorite friend Mrs. Brittany last night. She has been one of my strongest supporter since you left us. It doesn't go a week without her checking in on me, and telling me about her memories of you. It warms my heart every time I hear from her, since I know how much she loves you and how we share that together. We introduced Mrs. B and her partner in crime to Swiss Raclette last night. We had fun making our food at the table, and they introduced us to the board game Ticket to Ride. It was fun to see Sarah staying by Mrs. B's side all night long. Typically when we have friends over for dinner, Sarah disappears from the table sooner or later, but not last night. She had fun playing board games, and making conversations. I more than once was looking to your side of the table thinking you would show up in your chill out chair and watching over all of us. I felt your presence.

Today, I got to have coffee with your old nurse Libby in our backyard. She stopped by with one of her fabulous soups, and we chatted about life. Remember how she always visited us in the hospital and delivered me soup? It was one of my best meals in the hospital after having been sitting in your bed for most of the day. Home made soup warmed my soul. I was happy to find a batch of pesto in my freezer for her as well. Libby loved coming to our house when I had made a big batch of pesto in the summer evenings.

Jacob, you have no idea how much I treasure your friends. The ones who came in to our lives because of you, and how you stole their hearts secretly. How they all came in to your life because you needed them, but in the end, they all needed you more. I feel so close to you when I spend time with them because we share the longing for you, the gratitude for loving you, and the laughter of all those beautiful memories we created together. They fuel me. They keep me going. They became a part of our lives.

I can't deny it, the holidays are upon us. We made it through Halloween in one piece. I find myself longing for you more and more as the holidays are upon us. I know the rest of the year will not be easy as we always cherished this time of the year with you. For now, I am simply accepting it's not going to be easy. I will try to follow my heart and honor you each step of the way. It's not going to be easy, it's not going to be linear, but who ever said it was going to be easy without you? I knew it wouldn't.

The one thing I do know is those very special friends of yours will soften the edges and sprinkle some glitter and gold on our souls as we so terribly miss you.

Sweet Jacob, I love you to the moon and back.

Love, mom.